Blog for 1-12-09

My mother inlaw (MIL) was born on Christmas Day in 1934. Her sister was born 2 years later, and her uncle travel to Detroit to get them and bring them back to Tennessee (TN) with their mother. She grew up in the home of her grandparents, her aunt, and a cousin. Her mother worked in a factory in Knoxville and stayed all week with her brother and only came home on weekends.

Her father was a hobo, he never held a job very long. He hopped a train from town to town. She heard rumors growing up that after her sister was born and still small, her father came home drunk one night and stabbed her mother several times. Her mother was in the hospital for some time, and when she was released her uncle brought them back to TN. She has no memories of this, and doesn’t remember much about her father except that he would come to town from time to time on the train.

When she was a teenager, she and her mother traveled to Indiana when her father sent them tickets for the bus. They stayed with his half sister and visited with him for a few days. After she was married she and her mother went to see him again, he was staying with a family on a farm. A young woman about her sisters age was there, and her father sent them to town with her and had her buy them new dresses. He was very ill at the time. She always wondered if the woman was a half sister, but no one ever told.

When her father died she and her mother went to his funeral, the woman and her mother were there, but it was never discussed. Her aunt told her that he had lived with them several times over the years and that they had taken care of him.

Her parents never divorced, and her mother never spoke ill of him. She loved him until her death and kept her vows.

My MIL worked in an elected position in the court house for 20 years. Papa worked with her the last 4 years she was in office. When he became ill she retired and they had almost 3 years together before he passed away.

My MIL has lived with us for the past 4 years. She had a condition called Hyponatremia, also known as water intoxication. Some side effects can cause brain damage and heart failure. We thought she was having a heart attack or a stroke when it started. She was in the hospital 30 days, and had to learn to walk, talk, and feed herself again. When she was released we brought her home with us. She was later diagnosed with dementia, alzheimers, chronic pain, and she also suffers from depression, anxiety, and is bipolar.

She and papa had 5 boys, and up until 2001 when he passed away, from cancer, she was a strongly independent woman. My brother in-laws all live here on the farm or very close by, although you can’t tell it.

The oldest lives next door, I can’t see his house from mine, but they live up on the hill out from us. He was given an acre to build his house on as a wedding present. They are our only neighbors between the bridges. They don’t come see her. They have 3 children living at home, all over 18, 2 boys and a girl. The girl is married and has a 4-year-old son. She does bring him out about once a month.

The #2 son is not married, and lives with the youngest son. He has a farm up the road that belonged to his grandparents, and is building a cabin. The old farmhouse is still there, but does not have heat or a bathroom. He comes and stays with my MIL from time to time so I can work or run errands. Not all the time, but sometimes. That helps.

The #3 son is married and he has his hands full, and I understand why he can’t help out. His wife had a brain tumor/cancer the size of a grapefruit 5 years ago. Now she has permanent short-term memory loss. They have 2 sons, one of which is autistic. He is the same age as my youngest son (16). She talks to him once a week and he comes by every other weekend. His farm is down the road from us.

I’m married to #4. She sees him everyday and complains that I don’t listen. He knows better, and I know she just needs something to complain about. What she’s really bothered by is being bored, and I can’t get her out of the house much.

Son #5 is the youngest. He and his wife live on the farm too, but farther away from us, near the old store. Sometimes she calls them, but they rarely call her. His MIL lives with them, and she has a brain tumor.

I’ve been by her side since papa passed away. I was with her when her mother passed, through her hospitalization, through the deaths of her aunt and uncle, and I’ve suffered her frustrations. When she has a good day, I have a good day. When she has a bad day, I have a bad day.

I won’t go into all the issues within my husband’s family. I chalk a lot of their distancing themselves to my MIL to the fact they don’t want to accept her conditions. I think in the long run it will hurt them more. She was always such a strong willed woman, and she always gave so much to others. She’s different now, and I’m sure that’s part of the reason they don’t come around.